Someone New!

Introducing Reuben Otis Johnson:

Born February 11, 2014 at 10:13 am

7lbs 8 oz, 20.5 inches long

Even though it was a little boy, big sister was in LOVE....and 5 months later still is!

Fun to have your "baby" meet your "baby"

And to have big brother become a big brother again!

Our family is looking kind of big, my gown is looking quite flattering, and my daughter is looking somewhat like a gopher.

It was a very long and arduous labor (18 hours)!  You would think having already been dilated 4 cm with my  4th child that it would go quick, but that was not the case.  I was just past my due date and my midwife  stripped my membranes in the office around 1 pm and by 4 I was having pretty steady contractions, just not very strong ones.  We arranged for my mom to come get the kids that evening since we figured it would be soon.  I wasn't quite sure what point to go to the hospital, I would contract a lot while walking, but they would taper off when I would sit or lie down.  It seemed I could either help things along by staying upright, or I could try to get some sleep.

I opted for sleep but by midnight I thought I had been contracting enough to have made some progress so we headed off to the hospital hoping they could break my water and get this show on the road (I progress really quickly if my water is broken).  Unfortunately after 8 hours of contractions I was still only 4 cm and my contractions slowed down so much when I got there that they wouldn't even admit me.  I couldn't believe it!  I was now one of those women who go to the hospital too early!  The nurse told me to walk around for an hour and get rechecked.  I was already so tired that walking sounded horrible, so I got dressed and went home hoping to sleep some more.

Once home the contractions intensified but still only 8-10 min apart.  I alternated between bed, bath, luv sac, crying, shaking etc.  Kirk gave me some relief by using the hip squeeze method, but he really needed sleep too so I tried not to wake him every 10 min.  Finally at 5am we texted our midwife to get some direction.  She told us to meet her at her office at 6:45am and she would see if I'd made any progress so I wouldn't have another hospital episode.  I crossed my fingers that I had progressed some.

Luckily I had, but not much, I was 6 cm.  She told us to go straight to the hospital and that she would come and break my water after her meeting.  While driving to the hospital in the early morning light, I felt a renewed sense of strength and hope that I could do this.  Even feeling more confident, I still deliberated whether or not I wanted to use the natural birthing room, because if I got to the point where I wanted an epidural I would have to change rooms.  When I got there, I chose to go to a regular room just in case, but told the nurse that I wanted to go without an epidural.

We got to my room, the nurse checked me again and I was about 7 cm.  At this point she left Kirk and I alone.  I was so exhausted.  Kirk suggested we do some relaxation and he read a script to me.  I fell mostly asleep and sailed through the contractions.  Through my heavy eyelids, I could sense the sunlight getting brighter in the pink morning.  Every once and while I would open my eyes and see a perfect view of our neighborhood and our church steeple in the distance.  The nurse came in to give me some Fentanyl.  I was feeling pretty good and didn't think that I needed it, but opted to get it because I knew my midwife would be coming soon to break my water.  My midwife took longer than I expected and came in about 8:45am.  Truthfully I wasn't sure if I wanted her to break my water because I was doing so good at that point and knew that labor would intensify, but I went ahead with it.

I was about 7.5 cm  and my midwife said that the baby felt posterior so she had me roll to the other side which was less comfortable.  I continued doing well for a bit as labor dramatically intensified.  I got up to use the bathroom, and told Kirk that I was seriously considering getting drugs.  It's always this point in labor where I think to myself "why in the heck am I doing this", "who care's if I get an epidural, the result is the same".  I am not a happy person in labor, not screaming or anything, but I certainly don't make sound choices under those circumstances.

The nurse came in to check on me and I told her that I really wanted to get an epidural.  Kirk was trying to talk me out of it, not because he's opposed to it, but because that's what I had prepared for and told him I wanted.  Kirk tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but the nurse said "Marcy, YOU tell me what you want".  I replied, "Get me the epidural!"  After that, I could scarcely look my husband in the eye.  Inside I really wished that it would be too late and that I would feel the urge to push before the doctor got there, but the other part of me wanted the pain gone!  It was a relief that it was going to be over soon either way.

My midwife came in with the anesthesiologist and asked if I wanted her to check me first.  I ignored her.  I was SO ready to be done!  The needle went in easily and I felt the tingling in my toes, waiting patiently for it to numb the pain.  Once administered they had me lay down and the doctor told me it would be about 10 minutes for it to work.  It was 9:48 and I could hardly wait until 9:58.

When 10 minutes was up, my midwife checked me, only to find that I was fully dilated, except a small cervical lip.  She moved it aside and dressed up for me to start pushing.  I pushed through a few contractions and the little man was born 13 minutes later!  Since I wasn't totally numb I could feel the pressure leave my stomach, it was weird.  They plopped him up on my chest.  He was bald, wet and slippery.   It took him a bit to start crying.  It was amazing!  I loved that I got to just hold and nurse him before the staff did anything else.  Kirk told me "good job!" and I couldn't help but feel twinge of sadness and guilt that I hadn't gone unmedicated, but that was overshadowed by the beautiful boy that had just entered the world.

..............................................................................

Now, 5 months have passed and I'm finally writing his birth story.  Part of my reason for waiting is because with 4 kids, where is the time?  The other reason is because that whole of feeling guilt/sadness, well ... that coupled with the crash in hormones made me an emotional wreck.  I cried a lot and it was even more difficult when I had to tell my story over and over again.  It was a strange mix of emotions and it bothered me that I was so distraught about it.  Here I have this perfect, healthy little boy and I'm stuck reliving my "birth story".  I hated that my feelings over the birth, stole from my joy!

To be clear, I feel much better about everything now and I've really tried to pinpoint why I felt the way I did. I felt like I put my husband in an awkward situation and that I let him down.  I felt like I failed at childbirth (silly, I know) and I'm a Snow. Though I may come across sweet and easy going, I'm competitive.  I'm not anti-pain killers or anti-drug, and unmedicated labor seemed like just another challenge to make it to the finish line.  To put the nail on the head it all boiled down to pride.

Childbirth is not a competition.  It's a single fraction of pregnancy and even a smaller fraction of motherhood. How I chose to give birth does not define me as a person or a mother.  Once I realized that, it all seemed okay.  Sure my pride had been hurt, but that was all.I still had this enormous amount of love for my little guy, a greater appreciation for my husband, and an extreme (almost unearthly) amount of gratitude that I had been blessed to have four wonderful children!

There is nothing quite like giving birth to a child!  It's strange, each time I have given birth and met this tiny person from Heavenly Father that grew in my belly, I instantly want to do it again.  I guess time will tell if little Reuben O. will be our baby.